It gets easier (yes, yes it does).

Last night I had the privilege of reading this post by Emily Writes; a favourite author, advocate, and rebel of mine. And my goodness, her words rang true!

When our toddler was about 6 weeks old, we were at one of our first Space sessions where lo and behold she screamed for most of the time. I was trying to hold back the tears as I watched all of my mum friends with their happy babies, seemingly having it all together and knowing what they were doing. I didn’t know why my baby screamed so much and why nothing I did would settle her. After cursing myself for leaving the house and swearing to never go back, I started talking to one of the session coordinators. She told me that she had four kids, much to my absolute horror in that moment. I had no idea how it was even humanly possible to cope with one child, let alone four! I felt as though I would be stuck beneath these tidal waves of desperation and drowning and just wanting it all to end, forever. I asked her how she did it, you know, the age old question that you pose to the mums in your life that you look up to.

She simply replied, “you rise to it.”

As cliche as it is, those words have stuck with me ever since and I think about her and her wisdom often. It’s so true and it’s something that you’ll inevitably prove to yourself as the time passes and you somehow find yourself not just surviving, but coping and thriving.

It gets easier. It does, it does. In those moments as a brand new parent (or should I just say a brand new person?) where you have no idea how on earth you’re meant to survive with your new, upside down life, it feels like it will be that bad, forever.

And then it feels even worse when other people say, “enjOY eVEry MOmenT!!! be gRateFUl!” (because they definitely enjoyed each and every second as their nipples bled and their baby woke in 20 minute cycles and giving birth again sounded more appealing than continuing to breastfeed, right? (or is that just a scenario specific to me?))

Newsflash - you don’t have to enjoy every moment. It would be weird if you did. It also won’t just continually get worse and worse forever. There will be hard parts, but you’ll grow into your role and it will be easier. It will get easier! Emily Writes says so and so do I. Guess that makes it official, huh? (I can’t believe I just stuck myself in the same sentence as Emily Writes, as though we hold the same value. Please know that I’m approximately 100x less cool than she is and that I actually want to become a Emily Writes/Chloe Swarbrick/Rupi Kaur hybrid when I grow up (yes, please do imagine it like an Animorphs picture)).

You can be grateful while thinking, “man, this moment sucks.” You can be grateful that you have your baby safely earthside while crying rivers at the thought of them waking up for the 38th time in one night again. You can experience all of these things; parenthood is not flat and one-dimensional like the Earth obviously is.

But more importantly, you must know and hope that it does get easier. You will not feel like you’re drowning forever and there is a life just ahead where you will feel comfortable in your new identity. Yes, there will come tantrums and conflicts and battles and challenges, of course there will be. But they will end and you will feel good again.

I truly have enjoyed each stage of our toddler growing up more than I did the previous. They start sleeping (?!? yes, I can’t quite believe it either, but more on that later) and start playing and start being so much fun! Seeing her become her own person is such a beautiful thing to witness. Learning how she likes oranges and shadows and running away from the waves at the beach laughing is an immense privilege, and one I am so grateful for. And these moments have all been beyond the exceptionally difficult first months. I couldn’t see it back then, but to be here now? There is no ominous, “just you wait,” ahead. Actually waiting ahead are so many good things and the ability to rise up to them. There’s a confidence and a joy and an ability to thrive that you cannot feel when you’re blinded with your silent-refluxy two week old baby.

To be brutally honest - I did not enjoy having a newborn. It was really, really hard. And I’m trying to mentally prepare for that again when small person #2 arrives. This time around though, I know that it won’t feel impossible forever. That things will get easier will time. Adapting to becoming parents was the hardest thing we’ve ever done, but we made it through. And we will do the same as we adapt to being parents of two (or so I say now; I may need to reread this daily in a few months time!).

To end my ramble, don’t listen to the people who only have time to tell you how much harder it supposedly gets and who demand gratitude of you as if it’s the sole thing you should feel. As our pal Emily would say, “I am grateful, now fuck off.”