I’m always on the hunt for new internet rabbit holes to venture down during all these long nights. Sometimes I’ll just read random articles or follow a Wikipedia chain or read up about conspiracy theories just for the fun of it. I’m not too sure how I got into investigating (okay, that’s way too strong a word for staring at a screen to stop my eyelids dropping) the animals for sale on TradeMe, but here we are. Upon reading several listings and gasping at the price of these creatures, I began to notice some particular themes within each subset of seller. And because I don’t have anything better to do during these ungodly hours, I’ve categorised these sellers into neat, little boxes. Healthy stuff.
Let’s start with the pigs. Surprisingly, pig sellers tend to be of very few words. I was lowkey disappointed because I expected an almost rambunctious air about them, verging on mildly jolly. However, most listings just include one or two blurry photos of the pigs at least 5m away in a paddock, accompanied by a one sentence (max, absolute max for these ones) description. The word weaned is usually emphasised for some reason and the pigs must always be picked up, often from very far away. One seller even made the call to describe them as “little weaned porkers”.
Next up are the dog breeders. Aggressive, defensive, and just generally unfriendly. They enjoy modelling two week old puppies on fake cashmere throws to take human newborn style photos. These sellers are vigorous with their warnings, so much so that it almost sounds like they don’t want to sell the dogs. Apparently, you shouldn’t email them knowing too much about the breed, knowing too little about the breed, or just for general dog related chit chat. The undisclosed consequences are most likely hostile. These sellers love a $5,500 price tag for each of their fluffy spawns, all of whom seem too cute to have such racehorse-esque names. Overall, the dog breeder vibes are angry, ruthless, and of lingering, questionable morals.
Then come the dogs up for adoption. My kind of people. Their dogs are always called Luna or Buddy or Turbo. And these dogs are always mutts with very large feet who are looking for their “forever homes”. They are always good with older children, but have a tendency to eat family cats. These listers enjoy gushing about their canine pals, emphasising that having only three legs and being blind “doesn’t hold them back, really.” These dog-adopter-outers probably enjoy playing scrabble, drinking cider, and frowning upon those who are rude to retail staff.
And now onto the cat sellers. While these folk are significantly less aggressive than the dog breeders, they still tend to have a rather unfriendly air about them. They’re a bit artsy too. Common words to describe the cats include “fabulous” and “unique”. Sometimes cat sellers share highly improbable statistics such as, “90% of people around the world who buy one of this breed, will buy a second.” While this seems like merely a method to double profits (rather than just a lowly $2,250), maybe the buyer will be granted access to the exclusive cat club, where they too can float around, all aloof. Their cats are often described as “super rare” like some sort of hyperrealistic Pokémon, or as “exotic cubs” which gives off a very 2020 lockdown Carole Baskin vibe. Their lack of hostility compared to the dog breeders is more than made up with elegant kookiness.
Then come the fish people. Now these ones are interesting. They like to keep the listing short and snappy, but not as casual as the pig people. They’re quite serious and only deal in quantifiable facts. Each fish listed has been measured and their colour stated. No fish is named and most certainly none of them have any personality. Extras like that are probably an additional $250. These sellers are large David Attenborough fans and enjoy drinking strong coffee.
Which brings me onto the strange and wonderful world of the coral sellers. Do you know how expensive coral is? Do you know? Because I sure didn’t. Anyway, I don’t understand anything about the coral people. They work in mysterious ways with their rainbow invertebrates. They’re substantially cooler than the fish people and they definitely know it. They probably also hate Starbucks, but love electronic music. It’s just the feeling I get.
Next are the bird people. It’s all about the baby making for these folk. It’s also all about getting the sex of the bird determined by DNA testing, because I’ve since learnt that apparently, you can’t tell. These folk are very matter of fact, despite their colourful, squawking friends. These winged creatures also remain nameless, yet expensive. Though at least, if you’re paying $6,000 for some terribly frightening macaws, you get to name one Trump and the other Melania if you want to.
The all important genre of the rabbit sellers also require a mention. They have some similarities to the dog adoption people, but are a bit more cutesy and less practical. The rabbits tend to be named either Snowy, Diva, or Rex, and all are described as gorgeous with a capital G. Their sellers like long walks on the beach, calling everyone babe, and drinking martinis.
And we’ll end with the cow and sheep people (sorry if I just got the word sheeple stuck in your head; I’m not a QAnon believer I promise). Anyway, these people communicate strictly in bullet points. They take clearer shots of the stock than the pig people and they probably don’t like pigs. They love a red wine and they buy Lotto tickets. Their young adult children are either away at university or work in insurance. Many of these folk also state that the cows or sheep “must leave the property alive.” Cool, cool. Imagine the reaction if the dog people wrote this too?
Anyway, I’m going to end this here before I dive further down the rabbit hole, probably into the alpacas and turtles. Also, because I have my concerns that this blog post is a prime example of “shitposting”, though I’m not entirely sure what that means. To the dog breeders, I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re not actually angry and please take my words in hefty, sleep-deprived jest.
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