Tortillas at Midnight

Sometimes her words replay on repeat. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter It doesn’t matter. And although this sounds grim, I’m really trying to agree with her. In that, very little actually does matter. Because my brain is a brain that automatically thinks everything matters. Immensely. Everything is worthy of regard. Of noise. Or clamour.  And then sometimes, the things that aren’t even worthy of brain space somehow end up lying to me. They tell me that they matter more. And without fulfilling their obligations, then this removes any slim pickings of calm from within my head, So suddenly, everything is loud and everything is shouting about how much is matters. And there is no room beyond this roar. And this is precisely what I’m trying to fix. Medication is a powerful thing. And to those who are all very keen to show off their ignorance, disguised as superiority: All I can say is that your statements reek of having a brain that is quiet. Or perhaps of a brain that is loud too, b...

Lo and behold I consider myself somewhat of an expert when it comes to mildly irritating sounds that one desperately finds in the middle of the night to try calm your screaming baby. And then here I am, over two years later, still using these same sounds because will our toddler sleep without it? Nobody knows and obviously that is not a risk we are willing to take. To be fair though, mostly we still use white noise at night because we live in a 50sqm house and so you’re screwed if you want a snack past the late hour of 6:30pm. It would be easier to just starve all night rather than wake up the baby and the toddler.  Anyway, we’ve been through an array of different types of “sleep noises” in our time. Some are great and some are terrible, as all things are. It’s important to note that apparently, most of what is labeled as “white noise” actually isn’t, and so I’ve discovered that I’ve been living a lie for these past two years. Hence this ranking is actually about an array of synthe...

Yikes. The whole of NZ is back in Level 4 lockdown, over one whole year later since our previous one. It was only a matter of time, yet I do want to quickly note that the whole situation here is handled impeccably well. I am in full support of how quick and fast NZ jumps into keeping everyone safe. It sucks, absolutely, but it’s necessary. I also want to acknowledge how lucky I am that for us, being in lockdown doesn’t extend beyond “it sucks”. We have a safe place to live, we have work, we are healthy, we can afford what we need. We are very, very lucky and I completely acknowledge  how lockdown is a different experience for people in vulnerable circumstances. Here’s a wee update on things at the mo in our 50sqm house:  - Both my husband and I are trying to work, while looking after our two year old and our seven month old. This is ... a lot, and I’m just very glad that we don’t have homeschooling to add into the mix too. Let’s just say that it’s near impossible to get anythi...

 Perhaps anxiety isn't the right word. Well, not for me anyway.  Anxiety for me is when the petrol pump keeps clicking off or I have *shudders* a phone interview or *gulps back spew* I have to stand up for myself. So I send the scary email and then chuck my phone away for the next 12 hours while my palms sweat. But that's not really what I feel with regards to the climate. Though I definitely see how people do. I feel more a sense of Rage (the lite version) or Stress (the stressy version) or Despair (because why does boiling the potatoes matter when we're all going to be dead because of ourselves anyway?). I think all these feelings towards climate change and the human destruction of the environment are valid. Because it means that we care. And whether you feel angry or anxious or stressed or exhausted by it all, by feeling like no one with the power to actually change anything cares - these feelings are a hell of a lot better than apathy. And these stressy climate thoughts...

All the things that I can remember off the top of my head at 6:12 am (so probably not even half the things. But a selection of things nevertheless). Enjoy my mundane update! - The night before last I was woken to a "uhhh ... Kaitlyn the trampoline is gone." And that woke me up in a jiffy. It was a ragingly stormy night and despite being extensively tied down with sailing grade rope, our trampoline did a runner. And we couldn't see it anywhere. So we spent the rest of the night panicking that either a) it would hit our house, b) it would hit someone else's house, c) it would go onto the road, or d) it would hit a lone cow. To be honest, we were hoping someone just decided to steal it, rurally, in the middle of a storm. Alas, the next day we woke up to find it in a ditch down the road. Key: not on the road, praise be. It's completely destroyed, but we're just relieved that nothing bad happened! Our toddler, on the other hand, was less tolerant of the situation. ...