The unattractiveness of attraction

Unpopular opinion incoming ahead!

I realise how pessimistic this is all going to sound from the get-go (much to my husband’s glee - he is a firm believer that I’m a pessimist, even though I prefer the term realist (which I understand is probably something only a pessimist would say!)). But please do hear me out, internet-void land. And also please do know that this isn’t going to be a post about the fun type of attraction (swoon!), unfortunately. It’s about the ever-popular Law of Attraction and how it irks me.

Another small disclaimer before I launch full steam ahead into my rant. I am totally for coping strategies that help your mental health, the Law of Attraction way of thinking included (within reason, but I’ll get to that). I am a huge supporter of practising gratitude and have seen firsthand how much it has helped my recovery. I am also a firm believer in the idea, “what you focus on/pour your energy into, grows.” That might seem confusing at first, given that this is one of the main ideas of the Law of Attraction, but my ramble will explain. 

To start with, the Law of Attraction is the idea that however you think will manifest into your reality. So if you think positively, you’ll have positive experiences and vice versa. If you think and focus on wealth, you’ll be wealthy. Same apparently goes for health, success, love, and all of those Big Important Human Things. Sounds pretty good so far, right? We’re in charge of our own destiny and fate. All we have to do is control our thoughts, and voila! Our future is ours.

I definitely see how this idea is empowering, and excuse the cliche, attractive, to many. It has grown in popularity because it gives us what we often crave and feel we don’t have in our lives - control. This idea has also become more popular through the film and book The Secret. Then it became even more so through everyone and their neighbour’s cat spouting about it on Instagram, accompanied by a highly edited bikini photo and #abundance #gratitude #keto.

A few years ago I ordered the The Secret from the library and was pretty excited when it arrived. I couldn’t wait to learn more about what seemed like a very good and positive thing to start with. However, I only got a few chapters in and then I had to stop reading because I was (no exaggeration here) disgusted (similar to the recent chalk experience in my last post).

The book talked about health and wealth and success. About thinking positively about these things and then they will magically appear in your life if you think hard enough! But there’s a sinister flip side to this, you see.

If something bad happens to you, essentially this is your fault.

And to make matters worse: all you need to do to “fix” your situation is to think positively about it.

Do you see my issue here?

The chapter on wealth really got to me. Pretty much, financial hardship is a result of your mindset, rather than one hundred different factors in your life, most of which are outside your control. Never mind the role that generational trauma, illness, the wider economy, your identity, racism, inaccessibility to education and healthcare, and environmental factors (just to name a few) play. It’s all on you, apparently.

The same goes for your health. Obviously there are many things within someone’s control that can affect their health for better or worse, but a lot of the time it is just determined by things you have zero say over. Putting blame on someone for having a terrible illness or disease that they have no control over, or for losing someone to a health issue, is just downright cruel and insensitive.

Something I’ve also been seeing regarding this idea is that when we are struggling, not only should we not fixate on it (because that will not serve us, apparently), but we shouldn’t share about it because that will only make it worse. Again, apparently. To me, that’s one of the most harmful things someone can do. Isolate themselves from others and not be vulnerable with their truth.

I could go on and on about how cruel and one-dimensional I feel that lack of reason surrounding the Law of Attraction is. But I’ll stop that here. For now, what’s a healthier, alternative way forward in my perspective?

Bad things happen and will continue to happen, alongside all of the good things of course. The human experience ebbs and flows. It’s entirely normal to have wonderful and difficult seasons in your life. Learning to ride through these (and of course change accordingly if possible to adapt) is what makes us human and strong.

It’s not healthy to shy away from the difficult things. Feel what they make you feel. Grieve, adapt, cry, rant, vent, find healthy coping strategies, basically feel what you need to feel to get through. Feelings demand to be felt, and for good reason.

Know that sh*t happens. Know that amazing things happen too. Live through them all and feel how you need to feel. Don’t blame yourself for a rough patch that’s outside of your control. By all means, practise gratitude, visualisation, positive self-talk, and all those things that help. But don’t place all the blame for negative life experiences on someone’s inability to “think positively enough”. Feelings exist for a reason. They guide, connect, and release. They exist for cool reasons like making us not robots.