Tortillas at Midnight

Earlier this week, our country got some disappointing, yet inevitable news. Community transmission of COVID-19 was back and as a result, we may all be returning to lockdown. While the government was working out what to do, everyone began to respond a little differently. Some played the blame game or jumped on ever so helpful conspiracy theories. Others started stockpiling toilet paper and flour again, as they seemingly must have used up their hoard from the previous lockdown. Some selfishly hurried off to their baches, trying to escape to a place where they could spend the time fishing. In my usual, unusual way, I decided that we immediately needed to get some wild bird seed. It’s not really the first thing you’d think to get when you’re preparing for a potential lockdown. Most would probably go for paint or vegetable seedlings or chocolate. But alas, this was my first thought to entertain my bird-enthusiast toddler. This posed the next question though, what to do with 1kg of bird seed...

  I’ve read that it’s common to lose yourself in motherhood, but I reckon it’s more of a falling, a grieving, an insatiable longing to be someone again, beyond the sameness and fatigue of the everyday. Where do we go, exactly? Our babies arrive earthside and our entire lives and turned upside down, shaken about, and then tossed away. What was once normal is now a never, or a possibility with great difficultly. Who we once were is overrun with our bodies doing berserk stuff and starting a 24/7 job with no pay, no recognition, and no breaks. I think we just stop being seen. Not even by other people, or by our lovely little babies, but quite possibility by ourselves. We lose who we once were because there is no room for her anymore. She is drowned out, deemed non-essential, cast aside into a net that only nostalgia can drag in. We wouldn’t change being mothers for the world, obviously. But we are deep in mourning too, in remembering that we used to be someone beyond one little person’...

I feel like I’m in a big, dark hole and I’m annoyed that I can’t even think of a better simile right now. Sleep deprivation has got me good. These past 6 months or so, my toddler’s sleep hasn’t been that great. It ebbs and flows though, and right now we’re in a very big trough. I have a permanent headache and I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m seperate from the world outside, just watching on, stuck in this well that I can’t get out of.  I know it all sounds very dramatic. Sleep deprivation can make you feel like the world is ending, when in fact  you just need one of your basic human needs to be met and then ta-dah! You feel on top of the world again. It really is that magical. I’ve been feeling irrationally angry at everyone who gets to sleep lately, which isn’t fair. I mean this morning I even found myself feeling jealous of our dog who gets to laze around and explore the garden and go on adventurous walks. And sleep. Whenever she wants. I wish we could swap roles some...