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A dark hole.


I feel like I’m in a big, dark hole and I’m annoyed that I can’t even think of a better simile right now.

Sleep deprivation has got me good.

These past 6 months or so, my toddler’s sleep hasn’t been that great. It ebbs and flows though, and right now we’re in a very big trough.

I have a permanent headache and I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m seperate from the world outside, just watching on, stuck in this well that I can’t get out of. 

I know it all sounds very dramatic. Sleep deprivation can make you feel like the world is ending, when in fact  you just need one of your basic human needs to be met and then ta-dah! You feel on top of the world again. It really is that magical.

I’ve been feeling irrationally angry at everyone who gets to sleep lately, which isn’t fair. I mean this morning I even found myself feeling jealous of our dog who gets to laze around and explore the garden and go on adventurous walks. And sleep. Whenever she wants. I wish we could swap roles sometimes. Like I said, it really messes with you. 

Maybe in a few years when sleep comes to our house again, I’ll look back and find these times funny. Or maybe I’ll look back and think, “how on earth did I survive that?” Either way, I do hope I’m somewhere waiting on the other side. I truly don’t know how I’m going to cope with having two. It’ll get funkier than funky, I know that for sure.

Two weeks ago my toddler slept through the night for three nights in a row. It was amazing. I felt like a brand new person. It was the most sleep I’d had in six months. I tried to do everything the same in the hopes that I’d cracked the code, but alas. Toddlers aren’t a code to be cracked, apparently.



I’m not sure how to end this wallowing-in-a-dark-hole piece other than 1) please pray for me (I’m not religious, just desperate) and 2) on our walk today, my toddler collected all of her favourite bits of gravel that she saw to give to me. I hope that means I’m doing something right.
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