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Who am I?

 


I’ve read that it’s common to lose yourself in motherhood, but I reckon it’s more of a falling, a grieving, an insatiable longing to be someone again, beyond the sameness and fatigue of the everyday.

Where do we go, exactly? Our babies arrive earthside and our entire lives and turned upside down, shaken about, and then tossed away. What was once normal is now a never, or a possibility with great difficultly. Who we once were is overrun with our bodies doing berserk stuff and starting a 24/7 job with no pay, no recognition, and no breaks.

I think we just stop being seen. Not even by other people, or by our lovely little babies, but quite possibility by ourselves.

We lose who we once were because there is no room for her anymore. She is drowned out, deemed non-essential, cast aside into a net that only nostalgia can drag in.

We wouldn’t change being mothers for the world, obviously. But we are deep in mourning too, in remembering that we used to be someone beyond one little person’s everything. And an unglamorous everything at that.

Lately I’ve found myself missing my past life. It wasn’t particularly special or exciting. It really was very ordinary. I went to university, I spent time with friends, I had a part-time job. All the regular things that don’t stand out as being important when you’re in them. I spent my whole last semester (while pregnant) mapping out invasive vegetation on local sand dunes using GIS software. Now, I don’t even remember what I learnt in my degree. I used to spend nights and weekends serving popcorn, cleaning cinemas, and making nice coffee at my part-time job. It was your run-of-the-mill customer service role where your coworkers were fun and the customers were occasionally abusive, but I miss it. I really do. To be seen outside my own home, to be contributing financially, to have fun despite cleaning the bins and dealing with Karens. It was nice in a way I couldn’t appreciate at the time. 

I’m looking forward to being someone again, someday. Probably after our next baby has arrived and they’ve grown up a bit too. Maybe then I’ll be able to rebuild some sort of identity beyond these four walls and beyond these long nights. 

To my fellow mamas: I see you.

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