Moving forward.

This already reads like a dry work memo about cleaning out the staff room microwave and definitely ends with a passive aggressive dig at the union, closely followed by “regards”. 

Such fun.

Hopefully this won’t be too boring from here on out.

I’ve been feeling a bit conflicted lately about this space. I didn’t really know what to do with it moving forward, but it has become a bit clearer now. In short, I’m not going to write about my precious kiddos on here anymore. This probably doesn’t even need a little announcement of sorts, but I didn’t want them to disappear from my blog out of nowhere. 

All of these conflicting thoughts have been racing around my brain for the past few weeks. On one hand, I love writing about my parenting experiences. I love that my stories resonate with people and I love it when they say, “same here!” when I write about our messy days and I love how writing about these roller coasters makes them feel more manageable and funny, instead of just overwhelming. It has been such a good experience, getting it all out there and making these connections with wonderful people who get it.

But in the other hand, I doesn’t sit right with me anymore. It’s kind of like a lightbulb switched on and suddenly, I don’t feel okay sharing about my children on here. Simply because I don’t have their consent and it makes me feel a bit icky knowing that their ups and downs are projected to whoever is reading here, whether they mind or not.

I never shared their names or faces on here, but I still feel that I went too far and I’m no longer comfortable with publicly writing about them at all. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? Talking about them, rather than with them. And right now, they are the most vulnerable they will ever be again. They rely on me for everything, to help them find a way through the good and the bad, and I don’t want to exploit that just because it helps me to cope with the task. When I write about them on here, they don’t get a chance to share their perspective or to say, “no, I don’t feel comfortable with that,” and I’ve realised that this is no longer acceptable to me. I wouldn’t want someone to share my big feelings or special conversations without my permission, broadcasting it on the interwebs, and so blogging about my family isn’t for me anymore.

I feel quite guilty, but I guess that’s what a lot of parenting is. Just messing up and then waking up the next day, vowing to love your kiddos better. So here’s to a know-better-do-better realisation and putting it into play.

To clarify, this blog is still going to keep going, if I can think of anything vaguely interesting to write about from now on! Perhaps I’ll write about building a house or living next to cows (only temporarily, we move soon!), or angry rants aimed at NZ Herald trolls on Facebook. Who knows. I want to write about motherhood, but not about my children, so I’ll see if I can work something out. We’re all very intertwined, so that makes it tricky! I’ve also been going through my Facebook and Instagram profiles, checking the privacy settings and making sure that anyone on there is actually someone I not only know, but also feel comfortable with. If I wouldn’t say, “hi” to them on the street, then they’re gone. It sounds a little ruthless writing it out, but at the end of the day, these profiles are where I share photos of my kiddos and the thought of someone who I don’t trust having access to them is quite scary.

Something I want to emphasise is that these are only my personal thoughts towards my personal situation. I love and admire the bloggers who write respectfully about their kids. This isn’t a mutually exclusive situation, because parenting is so isolating and being able to connect with other people going through the same stuff when you feel at your most lonely, is something incredibly powerful. Reading words from Emily Writes, Emma Heaphy, Jess Urlichs, and The Motherlode, have kept me afloat on more than one occasion. It’s so hard to reconcile the balance between what is okay and what isn’t, and so that’s why this decision is just aimed at me. This is a tricky area filled with plenty of grey space, with going completely off the grid at one end and uploading every, single detail of your children’s entire lives to make money (yuck) at the other.

So yeah, I’m not too sure what I’ll write about now. Being a stay-at-home mum kind of means that my entire life is engulfed with my children at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something! I did make a mean lentil bolognse last night, so that’s pretty riveting blog fodder in itself. I’m also working on a bit of a project at the moment, in amongst everything going on, so if that kicks off then maybe I’ll write about that too.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rambles! More rambles minus the children will be arriving soon (maybe soon; I’ll try not to make promises I can’t keep).