The myth of self settling.

 I know. I know. I’m writing about sleep again aren’t I? But this time, instead of me moaning about sleep yet once more, I want to write a little about baby sleep. And toddler sleep. And child sleep too. 

I want to write about a concept that is entirely fake, packaged up, marketed, and sold to millions of utterly exhausted parents around the western world.

I do want to begin with a disclaimer, though. I am not writing about sleep training as a whole (that mountain would require an entire series!). Nor am I judging parents for partaking in sleep training or the pursuit of “self settling/soothing”. We were vulnerable to it too and tried it out for a while. And sleep deprivation - in an immensely isolated, individualised, western society where parents don’t have a literal village, let alone support in many cases - is shocking in ways that one cannot understand unless you’ve lived it. Sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture, it can skyrocket mental health issues, and ultimately led to someone questioning the point of well, everything. So I’m not here judging, please don’t think that. I just want to write about an idea that’s perpetuated the sleep training industry as the be all and end all, and how quite frankly, it just isn’t true.

You’ve probably read it all as a parent, during all those late night Googles, begging for answers because you don’t know how much longer you can cope with the status quo. We’ve all been there. It sucks because not only does every website give conflicting advice, but whatever you’re doing is always labelled as wrong. Basically, you’re told that your a bad parent and that your baby is broken and requires fixing. An expensive, biologically impossible, fix. 

During these searches, you would have stumbled across the revered idea of self setting or self soothing. The idea that a baby will put themselves to sleep and because they did so, from then on they will sleep through the night. And because they can self settle, then they’ll skip all the sleep regressions. But if they can’t self settle, they’ll apparently hit every, single one. And never leave the regression behind.

All the sleep training websites market this very attractively and that’s so easy to do on their part. Why? Because their market audience is exhausted and desperate. Anything commodified as a magic solution will be lapped up without hesitation.

The idea of self settling is an immensely popular, attractive concept. For someone who is touched out, in love with their new baby but grieving their pre-parenthood freedoms, feeling isolated and lost, and ultimately just plain exhausted beyond doubt - of course you’re going see this concept as the be all and end all, as the ultimate saving grace.

And as I previously said - I fell for it too.

But what I wanted to share with you today is that the idea of self settling being a magic sleep solution, is entirely fake. It’s essentially just one humongous money maker and parent-guilt-tripper. 

Think about it biologically. There’s a reason why babies sleep soundly in your arms or on your chest, but wake up the moment you try put them down. There’s a reason why they cry, and why you are instinctively drawn to their cry. There’s a reason why they beckon you, constantly.

Because babies need you for everything in order to survive. Putting your baby down to fall asleep alone in a cave isn’t a very sure fire plan to keep them safe from the jaws of a woolly mammoth or whatever. 

(Okay, upon reflection I reckon woolly mammoths were probably herbivores, rather than human-baby-craving beasts, but you get my drift).

And somehow, despite the fearmongering of the industry, babies will grow into little people who learn how to put themselves to sleep. All in their own time. Some at one, some at two, and some at eight.

But this doesn’t make much money, does it? And it’s also a frightening idea for those new parents who are deep in the thick of that dark place. That they will be there for what feels like forever, tired and alone. Alone, and having done everything wrong apparently.

And so I wanted to share with you our recent experiences with our older baby. We rocked her to sleep every night. And she was linking sleep cycles, sleeping through from nine weeks old, doing all that jazz, for about 12 months straight. She slept through every single night, not a regression in sight, despite not putting herself to sleep for the most part. 

Then when she hit 12 months, out of the blue everything went haywire. She started waking several times per night and would be awake for hours. This went on for five or six weeks. And then it ended as abruptly as it began. We all went back to sleeping through like nothing had happened. And we continued to rock her to sleep.

At 18 months, she became ready to put herself to sleep. I  think we discovered it by accident one day. One of us put her down mid-rock with an aching back, did the mad two minute toilet dash expecting the usual scream-the-house-down reaction, but this time she didn’t. She grizzled for about a minute, then chatted for a bit, and then promptly fell asleep.

And from then on, she put herself to sleep each night and continued to sleep through. Until she turned two.

We found ourselves within the mother of all sleep regressions. She couldn’t put herself to sleep any longer. Bedtime was taking hours, and she woke several times throughout the night. It was a really trying time.

And then about a month later, it was done. Just like that. Like nothing ever happened (touch wood!). She now happily goes to sleep in her bed and sleeps through most nights.

I guess what I’m trying to get across is that:

1) It is biologically normal for babies to need someone who helps them and loves them. Some parents have “unicorn babies”, but this is rare and not the norm. It’s also biologically normal for them to wake up, needing food or cuddles, during the night. Responding to them creates a blueprint for them to be able to do this for themselves as they grow up. 

2) Our isolated, individualised western society is not compatible with babies acting within their normal, biological realm. This is why parents struggle so much. Because they are alone and they are exhausted. 

3) Self settling is purely developmental. All babies will get there in their own time. They may also phase between self settling and then needing you again for a while. This too is normal. 

4) Being able to self settle or not is irrelevant to your baby going through sleep regressions. We’ve had sleep regressions when our baby was self settling, and we’ve had no sleep regressions when she was being rocked to sleep every night. This whole concept of parents paying money to learn the secrets of self settling, so that they can avoid any and all sleep regressions, is entirely a shameful marketing ploy. 

5) On the note of sleep regressions, they either happen or they don’t. The presence of a regression is not determined by anything you’re doing “wrong”. They just occur when your baby is going through a huge developmental leaps. There is nothing you can do to avoid them, which isn’t a very attractive idea, but it’s true.

6) I want to make it clear that I am not judging and nor do I think I am any type of expert in this field. All I know is that blatant lies are spread by the sleep training industry, purely to line their own pockets, and this is disgraceful. 

When you are up in the night with your wakeful baby or toddler, know that there are countless other parents under those same stars, awake with you.

(An image from one of my favourite Instagram accounts, Common_Wild).