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Numbers.

How many more days until you go back to work? I check the calendar twice a day. I’m 98% scared and 2% like “I’ve got this.” Until I don’t, maybe.

My phone told me that my screen time increased by a whooping 83% in the past week. Sudoku is how I’ve been trying to keep myself awake during all the wake ups. I’m trying out the medium level. As my eyelids drop and crash time and time again, I see all the little numbers. The grids. Keep playing. Stay awake. Where does the next eight go?

The websites say that if you start to feel drowsy while feeding your baby, put them in a safe sleeping environment and go get some rest for yourself. This is both sage and laughable advice. Why do they think we’re even up every 45 minutes, feeding, if not to try and get sleep? If only it were that easy, too. I’m sure all babies understand that when the person feeding them is tired, that it’s just time to happily go to bed. Go figure.

Our oldest has sprung up heaps of new words these past few weeks, and a couple of phrases too. “One more please,” is a common hit, as is “watch!” (watch me!) and “ham,” (hammer). We can pass entire days doing one more, please.

I need to put the baby down. Then I’ll have 2 minutes to race around and do all the things before she needs me again. Plan ahead, and strategically. Brushing teeth you can do with one hand, spreading peanut butter on toast - less so.

Don’t count the wake ups. Avoid looking at the clock. The numbers will only make you feel worse, when you realise how little or big they are.

Is it time for more antibiotics? When did I last shower?

How much weight has she gained? When can I wear my regular clothes? How long until things feel normal again?

How long until we feel normal again?

How long until I feel normal again?

It’s been 10 days and we’re loving, loving her. 

She’s only 10 days old. I need to remember that.

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