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To my second-born.

Dear my second child,


You arrived straight crash bang into the hustle and bustle. There was no ease into it, no cosy afternoons spent together, no having us all to yourself, spending hours just gazing at you. In absolute awe.

To just watch you now is a rarity.

Even though these nights are long, I do enjoy them because it’s our time together. A time that we don’t get the luxury of spending in any other moment. My days are split and torn, running between you and your sister, trying to weigh up who needs me more in that second and I always feel heavy with the strain of guilt, of not being there fully with either of you.

But these nights are ours. Even though every fibre of my being wants to sleep and then sleep some more, I’m so happy that if I can’t, that I get to spend the time with you.

I love your snuffles and soft, fluffy hair. The way you calm as soon as I pick you up and your arms wrap about me. How we cuddle for a bit until I can transfer you to your bed. Your baby smell and your little pyjamas. Your sighs and how your hands hold mine. Your sleepy stretches and the way you watch me as I wrap you up with your knowing, old soul eyes.

These nights are the only time we have purely for each other and I’m really grateful for them.

Our days together, with all of us, have been a learning curve, but you take it all in your stride - much better than I do to be honest. Sometimes you have to wait in your capsule while I sort out your big sister and you just calmly watch on at our antics, me fussing about with dinner and washing hands and finding a toy cat and you just wait. You’re so happy laying on the ground, looking at those contrasting books, and then when someone comes over to play with you, you get so excited. You’re so lovely, truly. We’re so lucky to have you.

You’re so different than what we were prepared for. We weren’t sure what to expect and we only had our experience to go by, you see. Like your entrance into the world. Like how you prefer not to be carried around, but instead are totally content just laying down with someone by your side. Like how when you get really upset (rarely), you have a cry that sounds like a lamb. Like how you relax instantly in the bath.

And I wasn’t prepared for how much my heart would expand at something as simple as you and your sister at bath time. She loves to help wash you and you don’t even mind when she tries to pour water on your face. It’s one of my favourite times of the day, seeing you both together and so content. Something I looked forward to throughout my whole pregnancy.

I want you to know how much we love you. How thankful we are that you are part of our family. And how grateful we are for everything you have given us. Even though we can’t give you as much time as we could your sister, because both of you need us you see, please know that our love for both of you is unimaginably big. To be the ones lucky enough to be needed by both of you means that although our attention and energy is split, our love only keeps growing.

All my love, always.
Your Mum.
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