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A crash course on freelancing while raising small children.

Right friends and frenemies (wait, surely frenemies wouldn’t bother to read a blog? Surely? And I don’t think I have any anyway (but cool, another thing to panic about while I don’t sleep)), here we are. Welcome to the crash course of freelancing + parenting where you have no choice but to dive right into the deep end. You also aren’t allowed to finish the course, because you will be interrupted 107 times per minute, and even if you did somehow manage to then that would be cheating, as it would make everyone else cry with inadequacy. So here you are, reading the blurb of the course on one of those nice tertiary brochures that smell glossy and are vaguely powdery, about what’s in store for you. The only available grades are fail, or, uh, fail, so buckle in for the journey.

1) Intro to Freelancing + Parenthood: Don’t Take Phone Calls. Phone calls are bad because whenever you need to talk to someone important, your children will inevitably scream. It’s just basic science. Opt for the far less professional form of communication - messaging - instead. Then your clients will never know that behind every “great, I’ll get started right away,” is a small child telling you that no, actually, you won’t. 

2) The Emotional Outlay: Years of Guilt. Guilt and frustration are common feelings within this challenge. You will feel guilty for trying to work while also loving on your kids. And you will probably feel frustrated from time to time that you can’t just get stuff done at the speed that you are capable of. Again, this is just science. Or actually, some people probably have Healthy Self Esteem and Worldviews, so they don’t feel guilty, but tbh they don’t need to be doing this course anyway. 

3) Coping with the Happiness: An Endless Balance. You will come to understand that freelancing makes you very, very happy because you get to fill your cup beyond parenthood as well as snuggle your babies for hours. But with this comes the happiness of productively and the happiness of love for your offspring. And then you will crave pursuing more and more of both of this things which will end up throwing your meticulously crafted routine off and you will spend a large amount of time trying to regain your balance. It’s like you’re permanently on one of those balance boards (which actually look quite fun; I’d rather like to have a go someday.). 

4) Involving Your Children: A Necessary Disaster. You love your kids. And they love you. And everything you do. So if you’re trying to take product photos, they’ll most likely be in the photos. The crop function is your best friend - squirming hands or chunky feet are removed with the click of a button! Technology! If you’re trying to update a website, they’ll need to update the site too with their own additions. The sooner you practice radical acceptance towards having, essentially multiple small, wayward colleagues, the easier your life will be.

5) Confidence in Foolishness: Skills in Being Silly. Silly skills are vital for any ounce of minor success in the freelancing/parenting conundrum. You’ll learn how to sing Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes on autopilot. You’ll learn how to bounce-rock while typing. You’ll learn how to do literally everything with one hand, which is probably something you’ve already learnt as a parent, but we’ll help you refine it because it’s right up there with breathing and using the toilet in terms of  Skill Importance Ranking.

6) The Practicum: A 2 Hour Quick Fire Test of Mental Stamina and Strength. This is probably the most difficult part of the course. You have 120 minutes until a deadline arrives. You must do two hours of actual work in that time (to be honest though, management would be impressed if you accomplish one hour) and you must also look after your children. This is designed to test you. Crying is expected (on anyone’s part), and you might want to give up. Which is normal. But you’ll keep going because you love it.

7) A Repeat on Any and Every Paper for the Next Indefinite Period of Time. Semesters are so last year! The great news is that you are now permanently enrolled in these papers, and that our course don’t abide by things as structured as ~semesters~. You’re in this for life! Or, well, at least a couple of years. Enjoy the ride and don’t forget to sign up to the ever- popular field trip: Taking Your Children to Casual Client Meetings: Why Stabbing Your Eyeball is More Fun. This is always in hot demand. 

So did you fail? I did. Guess I’ll be cropping out tiny hands and backspacing attsssrhjjjjjjjjh and frantically hitting mute for the foreseeable future. 

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